Over the last year, I have attempted to have some relationships. I call these attempts as they didn’t really work out too well.
In one instance, we seemed to connect to a deeper level, enjoy each others company and a decent chemistry. So it made sense to try to be together. We soon realized this was not going to work. As much as I like and respect him, we are simply too different and didn’t actually want to be in a relationship. We are much better off as friends, and should most likely have kept it that way from the start.
My second attempt worked a lot better. It was very sweet. We had adjustments to make of course, but it was off to a very good start. Until he had to leave the country. It put a stop to an otherwise mostly nice story.
Shortly after I went on holiday to New Zealand (and to get my working holiday visa started). There I met someone else with whom I had a much deeper connection. We talked and shared just about everything, including things I had actually never opened up to anyone about. It was intense. Maybe too intense.
Meeting someone, opening up like never before and spending all day every day together for about 10 days was a lot. We both have a lot of things to work on. And when I left I realized it was too much for what I could handle.
Looking back I can see why all of these attempts were doomed from the start. I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship for a good reason.
I just wanted to feel something,
I wanted to distract myself from my boredom.
But mostly I was trying to avoid working on myself as I knew I had to.
I became one of those ”desperate 30-something woman” I swore I would never be. I had seen some of my friends go from one short relationship to the other. And from the outside, I could clearly see they were looking for a connection. Any connection really. Some of them had even lowered their standards so much it was actually quite sad. They would put up with just about anything not to be alone. And to feel like someone cared.
And there I was.
Trying to find a connection. Looking for someone else to focus on so I would stop seeing the stuff I need to work on.
I felt bored and lonely in a city I didn’t know much. I had been alone for a while by then and it felt good to have the impression that someone cared for me. Not someone who was part of my family, or that I was working with. So people who seemingly chose to spend time with me, not because they had to but because they wanted to.
That should have been my first clue. I didn’t enter any of the relationships from a good place. I entered the first one because I needed to connect to something I was familiar with (we had met about a year before). The second one was my attempt at entertaining and distracting myself. It was nice but when it ended I was left feeling hurt because of our lack of proper communication and deeper conversations.
So when I arrived in New Zealand and connected on a deeper level it was filling that connection void I felt.
If any of my friends would have experienced any of these I would have most likely told them they needed to spend time on their own, create their own meaningful relationships and experiences and stop waiting on someone else to give them a sense of worth.
But because I was the one experiencing it, I didn’t want to take my blinders off. It was a lot easier to simply keep going. It’s always much easier to wait for someone else to make a decision for ourselves. A lot easier than to admit that maybe I hadn’t made the right decisions. And that being with someone was not going to fill the void I was feeling in a such a superficial city. I needed to fill that gap on my own.
These kind of situations are always so easy to see when we look back on them, or when someone else is living them. It’s a lot harder to see our life and choices for what they truly are. I’m not really proud of how I handle any of these ”relationships” but hopefully I have learned from my experiences and will not be repeating the same pattern.