After a year of not writing, I’ve decided to challenge myself to write (and publish) a short text every day to push myself further and stop making excuses. So here’s day 1 of my 21-day writing challenge:
Depression; even if I run towards the other end of the world, it always seems to catch up with me. And usually in the most unexpected of times.
I had a few episodes while I lived in Dubai but I put them all on the fact that I was conflicted between my core values and the values of that city. I also had some love issues, so all together it made sense I would feel out of it. So I decided to leave.
That city was clearly not for me. How could it be? It’s so superficial. I pride myself on being down to earth and not falling too much for all the artifice to find value and worth in my life. Or at least I try. But it turns out I’m as shallow as everyone else. And some days I even wish I’d be able to forget all about my own values and let myself go all-in in what’s expected of me.
I thought leaving would help me feel better. I needed to reconnect to something more genuine. Since I was well overdue for a family visit, the decision was easily made. I would go back home. Little did I know though that, as usual, I would feel so far from what should be my references, it wouldn’t actually help. Instead, it made me even more confused to see where I had come from. And how far I had ventured away from everything that makes this place ”different” or ”special” as everyone here seems to think.
Canada is a great place to live don’t get me wrong, but the mentality of being born for nothing special that is so prevalent in Quebec is hard to see and be reminded of. Hearing people complain all the time yet not actually doing anything about it sure makes me realize how much of this backseat mentality I have internalized. And it makes it challenging as hell not to feel like shit because of it. I’m just the same, complaining that my life is not exactly what I want it to be, all while having absolutely no idea which direction to even take my life in.
Conflicted feelings much?
Of course, I was happy to see my family, but just like every time I see them, I realize we are so far apart. We are close as much as family members can be, but we all live alone now. And it shows when we try to live in close proximity.
By visiting my hometown, the place where I grew up, it made me see just how little I had lived. And how very little I remember from my high school years. I caught up with friends from that time, and I couldn’t remember anything they were talking about. I don’t know where I was mentally speaking during those years, but I clearly wasn’t in my body. My younger-self hated herself so much during those years. Unfortunately, I can now see that not much has changed. I will most likely never live up to my expectations as I tend to put the bar impossibly high. Even if I know that’s what I do, I have yet to find a way not to do it.
I also know that while I do talk to my dad, I rarely truly open up. I wanted to have his opinion on my guy problems but couldn’t even breach the subject. While I know he most likely feels uncomfortable because I feel uncomfortable it still makes me feel like we have a very superficial relationship. Which pains me. I’ve always wanted to be close and feel accepted and loved by my dad, but because of who we are and how we behave, we do not have that closeness I’ve been searching for.
Coming back is good to realize things about oneself. I’ve been knowing for a while that I’m the only one who can choose to be happy. I can’t expect happiness to be coming from other people. And as much as I want to be accepted, supported and loved, I know that I can’t count on anybody else to help me feel that way. Because when I look at it objectively I know that I am accepted, I am supported and most of all, I am loved. But because of how I am, I struggle to take my blinders off to be able to see it. I feel so worthless I can’t believe someone else could possibly like me with all my obvious flaws.
I have been loved before, and I’m sure that some people still love me to this day, but until I do some more work on myself, I will most likely never be able to see it, so I will most likely do everything in my power to ruin potential relationships like I’ve been doing.
This trip back home and down memory lane has been very difficult. And just like every time I come back, I’m always scared I’ll get stuck here and won’t be able to leave. Since I have yet to buy my ticket to leave, at the moment I feel stuck. By my own fault. Which is what makes this whole situation even more difficult. I’m in this mess because of me. I’ve made the decision to come here, knowing full well it was going to be tough and I also know I can leave whenever I want or make this situation something else entirely. It’s simply up to me to make the choice. Yet I seem to prefer to stay in my misery because this is what I know and what feels comfortable.